My spiritual journey

This blog was intended to track my journey as an individual. I would like to look back at my life 20 years down the line and see what has changed. It is probably one more distant effort at measuring the effect of circumstances on my personality. Hoping to decipher my purpose.

I started out as a guy who never knew what he wanted to do in his life. One of the reasons could be the fact that I didn't know what I was good at for a large part of my life. Most people very early on assess their strengths and weaknesses. I had no strengths - at least that is what I believed. I was decent at lots of things - a decent student who never wanted to compete, a decent musician who didn't like the attention it brought or a decent sportsman who could at best be decent. Decent had always been my best.

Who is the judge of what is decent? In my case, I was my worst critic.

My incessant self-criticisms never let me gain the confidence required to break barriers, outshine others. I continued to be decent at things - in my eyes. There was always someone better than me.

I never realized that silently, I was changing.

The change wasn't because I started thinking more highly of myself and certainly not because I had started doing well in any single field. It was due to my natural pull towards questioning life - my life. Since a very young age I always wondered why I was born. What was my purpose. Does one have a purpose? Should one have a purpose - the purpose that would make me happy.

I started reading random literature - Freud, Plato, Krishnamurti, economics, Sai Baba, Champak Baba, random baba, bhagawat gita, god - anything where I could find the answer. One professed control while the other professed freedom. Some talked about attaining freedom through control. None however, gave me the answer I was looking for.

However, in some way, everyone pointed to one thing - the obvious that most including me never realized. I am not in control of myself. There is someone else living inside me. Someone who is good at hiding, masking himself as you. My mind wasn't mine. I reacted to situations - automatically - rather than respond to them. Something in me, which wasn't me, is living my life. This was when an intense battle began. The great battle of taking my mind back from me.

I've succeeded some. However, Krishnamurti says, some is nothing. It happens in a moment. Sai Baba says, it is a constant process. You win your mind back slowly. Now that I have discovered that my mind is not mine, the next step is to understand how to take it back. I will persist. Because, I finally know what I am good at. I am good at winning the battle between me and me.

Ok, I love my wife.. she's the best

Wife: What are you doing?
Husband: Ehh, me... ehh... writing a blog post...
W:Good... about?
H:Ehh... Will you have tea?

She caught on that I was trying to divert her attention. She not only made me change the title from "Ok, I am scared of my wife" to "Ok, I love my wife.. she's the best" but also forced me to make tea...

I don't mind accepting that I am scared of my wife. She's a terror - in a nice way though. She is good at stimulating my intellectual senses.

For example, the other day, she was complaining about the fact that I don't do anything at home. A couple of hours later, she was feeling guilty that I was doing too much work. Bed ridden that she is, owing to a back pain, she decided to help me by shouting out instructions about the optimal way of making tea. I didn't particularly enjoy it and decided to double her doze of pain killers / sleep inducers.

Satisfied by the fact that I followed her instructions, she decided to sleep. I like "pain killers"... i've decided to have some too...

My dear wife

It has been quite a while since I've written. This while started after I got married. Everyday, I have to get back home and "talk" to her. I mean, she talks to me... and I am suppossed to listen... on weekends, i spend my day either buying something for the house or evaluating what my wife, Ayushi, bought. My evaluations till now have been 10/10, consistently. And while I'm sleeping, i'm encouraged to dream about her and therefore, I've had little time to write.
Thus, I dedicate this blog to my dear wife. I believe the universal rule applies even while I'm blogging. I cant take chances. My dear wife is:

1. Amazing
2. The most beautiful girl ever.
3. NOT fat.. mind you...
2. Funny
3. Understanding
4. Intense
5. She keeps me happy all the time...
Yes, it takes a lot of effort to keep her happy... every man must have guessed...

Silencing the mind - Death?

so, they talk about silencing the mind... we exist cos we think... if silencing the mind is ultimate happiness, dying isn't all that bad... Disclaimer: I am very happy and not under the influence of drugs...

A dove's dream

The white city seems unexplored,
As crystal snow covered its scars last night.
The little girl’s dream beckons her to look around a little more,
Look around for that imaginary kite.

She takes a hazardous deep breath
The one that pumps her with resolve,
She flings her bag on her shoulders
And steps on the snow like a white spotless dove

The snow, cold but soft, reassures her
And draws her attention to the white city
She walks towards it as it whispers in her ear
And pushes her to be free.

The white city welcomes her as it tries to hide its scars
Blanketed with white snow, it hopes to capture her heart
Hoping to find some love amidst tar
sadly, hope is not reminiscent of its dreary past.

Still hoping and dreaming as most do
The little girl hopes with the city
She hopes to find her kite
While the city just hopes to hold her tight

The girl walks along with her eyes on the skies
While the city makes sure she does not step on a crevice
To people, different their roads might seem
The roads still meet to form a melancholic team

We are modern, we're the youth of today

In our search for that thing, that something that'll give us happiness, we've stop appreciating the little things that make up life. The human mind, though considered to be the most evolved, can still see only the tangible. The search inevitably leads us to all the tangible, materialistic things that are there around us - takes us towards only those things that can be measured - money, houses, cars, bags, clothes.

The list is endless.

Does this give us happiness? Isn't the list endless? Can an endless list ever give happiness? Does happiness lie in a future that we work towards?

Is love tangible? How do we measure love? Can we measure love? How can our mind trained to identify with the tangible, identify love? Can we try and count the number of good and bad things that people have done for us and then rate them on a love index? Are we all too self centered? Are we self-centered even when we love someone? Do we all think that the world revolves only around us? Is this why man initially thought that the Earth is the center of the universe?

Don't we all make our small little world carefully intersecting with the world that others lead - a world that revolves around us - revolves around our center. Is this center called our ego?

We, the youth of today, call ourselves independent, we work towards our happiness, leaving behind what history has written for us. we discard history, we discard wisdom, we discard those paths frequently traveled. We tread the unexplored, we fall in pits, discover oceans of hatred, love, agony, moments of peace, moments of glory and we fade into non-existence. Our tired soul finally settles into the present. After getting battered, we find us. The present fuels the soul, gives it energy and we misuse this energy is search for the tangible again.

In the present, the world ceases to revolve around us. We realize that the earth is not the center of the universe. There is no center. There is just a stream and we ride that. The invisible stream rules us. We just were foolish to cling on to things in that stream and think that these things piled around us, is life. One of those things is love, the modern love.

Arrogance

When I was jobless, I had to continuously remind myself of my strengths. I kept telling myself that I am good and hope is just around the corner. Serious bouts of depression were constantly pushed back by self praise.

Now, after I've finally found a job, I somehow still keep reminding myself that I am good. Unfortunately, I think I'm going overboard with it. I now need to tighten the noose on my urge to praise myself. I have a job now.

I now need to study further or do something more productive and stop living in fools paradise.

0. Quit smoking.
1. Try to talk to my boss and ask him to adjust my package as per industry standards.
2. If this doesn't work, look for a job.
3. Give my violin 1 hour everyday. Not more. not less.
4. Be nice to people. The world isn't as bad as I think it is.
5. Jog everyday.
6. Be nice to people.
7. Start planning my finances.
8. Look for options to study further.
9. Read 1 book per month.
10. Learn something new everyday.

Will add stuff here as and when it comes to my mind.