Beer+Vodka+someone's left over daaru+i guess.. ash+adulterated champagne+more beer+lotsa random liquids+i somehow reached home..

"Never again", were the first two words that came to my head after I got up today morning... correction…tried getting up.. after a 15 hour sleep, tried walking to the bathroom.. tried banging my head.. err... no... banged my head against a wall.. fell to the floor.. and slept off..

"Never again" were the two words that came to my head before I lost consciousness again....

A very short story

I am trying to write a short story but I don’t know how to go about it. I need a start. I try hard to think of all my experiences and filter one that will give me my first few lines. I rummage through my head but all I can see is a banner which says “all my experiences” – white characters on a black background.

I try harder. I look at the ceiling and then wonder why I did that. Was I seeking God’s help or did I do it because my neck hurts? I don’t believe in god so it must be because my neck hurts. I look up again, this time consciously and I realize my neck does hurt a little.

I realize I am too distracted to write a short story. I decide to get myself some coffee as it helps me concentrate. I come back and start reading Foucault – Politics, philosophy and culture – with utmost concentration. Hmm… nice coffee…

Grey

I have become fat with the filth I've accumulated over the years. Filth that is now mixing with the good in me. As it takes over me, I just sit and wait for the inevitable - one more corrupt person the world will have to deal with.

It is difficult to be disconnected from this filth. You can fight it but it slowly seeps in through those pores. Either be strong and resist it, take the brunt of being good or take the easy way out - become filth.

Do i see good today? Yes, muffled good. Chaotic good. Good that is fighting for space. Will it succeed? Will there be absolute good? Absolute filth?

Can anyone be black or white or will we all be grey?

Winning - what is it?

I've slowly started to believe that life is about trade-offs. One can't just have it all. You work hard towards getting something and miss out on a lot in the process.

If this is true, isn't anything that we do futile. What is the point of fighting for something when after winning, you've actually lost on all the other counts. You just can't have everything and the sooner you realize it, the more content you would be.

Over the last two months, I have opened up. I am not ashamed to face my thoughts. However, somehow while consciously trying to do that, I feel the voice from within that has always guided me has become more subdued. I was running too fast and I missed out on a few things. I missed out on me.

I need to slow down, be more patient towards people who care about Shiva and not hush their opinions. I should rely less on logic because the world around is too complicated to be understood with logic. I need my instinct.. I need that voice... I need to live... and "live" is not what I see around me... Live is what I feel is right...not what I think is right...

A minute between love and hate

And there I go again... "She called. She wants to meet me!", I thought to myself. She is one of those few girls who understands me, doesn't think I'm rude. On second thoughts, the only girl. Though my thought process is still incomplete, I throw my laptop in the bag, roll up my sleeves and get the auto rickshaw which I believe is newest. I want to reach that pub as soon as possible. Who wants to waste time thinking.

The evening was great. Lots of beer, fun. A few beers down I asked her, "This is the sixth beer you are having, how is it that you are not drunk yet?" After some thought, she said, "Because I don't trust you."

I hate her.

Loner to a compulsive socialite

How did this happen? I could stay with me.. live in my dreams.. sit for hours sipping coffee.. reading a book.. playing the violin.. watching tv... ehh hold on... i don't have a TV..

I have found my solution..

Silicon implants

Yes i got them done... I didn't have it and I badly wanted one.. to live...


I had lost my emotions... and I filled the void with silicon...

Complacent me

I can just be extremes.... extremely chilled out OR extremely not... Practise violin for hours in a day OR not touch it for years.. not sleep for weeks and then when I do, not wake up, even when my room is on fire.. ehh.. rather, the bed i'm sleeping on is on fire...

Recently, I tried to change... I tried to be extremely chilled out and extremely serious... It didn't work... "Chilled out" spilled over into work.. and work into chilled out..

Time to turn into a workaholic.. again... but do I really want that? However, I do know one thing for sure.. I hate doing bad work...