Arrogance

When I was jobless, I had to continuously remind myself of my strengths. I kept telling myself that I am good and hope is just around the corner. Serious bouts of depression were constantly pushed back by self praise.

Now, after I've finally found a job, I somehow still keep reminding myself that I am good. Unfortunately, I think I'm going overboard with it. I now need to tighten the noose on my urge to praise myself. I have a job now.

I now need to study further or do something more productive and stop living in fools paradise.

0. Quit smoking.
1. Try to talk to my boss and ask him to adjust my package as per industry standards.
2. If this doesn't work, look for a job.
3. Give my violin 1 hour everyday. Not more. not less.
4. Be nice to people. The world isn't as bad as I think it is.
5. Jog everyday.
6. Be nice to people.
7. Start planning my finances.
8. Look for options to study further.
9. Read 1 book per month.
10. Learn something new everyday.

Will add stuff here as and when it comes to my mind.

Chicken

I think tandoori chicken is good and therefore it is my deep rooted desire to turn into one. However, I wouldn't like to be burnt. So, i have just turned into a chicken..

masked by human flesh...

Albert Einstein

When you see someone who turns a blind eye to all the love he receives and recognizes himself with the pain around... he is someone who has lost faith in humanity... give him more love...

You have two options when you find such a guy...

1. He may look strong on the outside but you can take advantage of him. He is vulnerable.
2. Give him all the love. Don't disown him.
err...
3. Call him gay.

The Chuckle

I'm staring at the ceiling of my plush single room apartment. It has four walls, a beautiful white ceiling, a tiled floor and a suitcase filled with clothes. I lie flat on the floor to make my ceiling-watching experience more comfortable. What more could I ask for? I have everything. I am certainly not one of those losers - those idiots. I just need one more thing.

At least, that is what people would think if there were any around. Commoners will not realize that the ceiling-watching is just a hoax. I am in fact having a very intellectual debate with my friends, my thoughts. I am in my room, undisturbed by my thoughts. How could I afford to have them disturb me, they are the only ones with voices around me. They are my only friends. On second thoughts, if I go by the definition of a friend, even my thoughts aren't really my friends. True friends don't judge you. They know you and resign to accept you, usually owing to a lack of choice.

Not my thoughts though. They've not given up yet, despite knowing that they are my prisoners for life. Right now, I am having a heated discussion with one such friend and none of us is ready to budge. "She's just playing with you. You're her puppet. You are weak and she knows that.", it says. I take a deep breath and gather words to put across my point. "All-she-needs-err--needs--is-that-ring.. I-can-buy-it-for-her... just-a-small-loan.."

I suddenly hear a muted chuckle. I look around and realize it is a friend, trying to do a “you-are-an-idiot" act. I ignore him. My muffled words had somehow convinced me and I felt realistically optimistic. "Just a ring and she'll be mine!" I go to a bank, the best actually, request them for a loan, run to a jeweler next to my house and pick the biggest ring. I ask him to wrap it in delicate red satin. "It is for someone special", I say while putting up the best possible smile.

I return home smiling at every passing soul, even the dogs. I look at the ceiling again but somehow my friends seem to have gone out. I just hear one voice, my own. "I'll call her first thing in the morning. She needs to see what I've bought for her", and on that note I lazily fall into emptiness. I sleep like every content man does when he's achieved something on a particular day.

I wake up to a bright sunny day. People seem happier.

One ring..two..three.. "Hello Raghav"! It was the sweetest voice I had heard and the brightest face I had seen. I was standing in front of her house, staring right into her face. My rehearsed hand seemed to reach deep into my pocket. Why did they seem deeper than usual? My hand dived in deep again with more resolve, fetched that red box and gave it to her. Not a word said, melancholic silence followed. After what felt like a few beautiful years, her face lit up and she chuckled, "Hey! My engagement was a secret, a family affair! But I'm so glad you are here now! By the way, what did you get me?"

My long lost friends, my thoughts, suddenly appeared out of nowhere and were chuckling in unison.

Strange love

I was talking to a friend of mine and she was planning marry some friend of hers. I was obviously disappointed... one more female snatched away..

I went and checked his profile on facebook and realized that he had spent half his life clicking his pics... different poses.. different hair styles.. beard styles.. the few strands of hair that were struggling to erupt out of his face were carefully crafted by our very own Hussain saab....

I should buy a camera...

Ringa ringa ringa

I desperately want to document this..

"HJDFJSD $&Y*&E&*HBFKBQJknkiwdjbfhyuegr8n e7yt235s ve7y8i7bn 735789y fkdbgdhg 975y erhierukgt7yernk bvkthrui76ignkv erguehui75j jldghi7856"


get it!

More filth

I am seriously disappointed with the friends I made during engineering. I guess I should be disappointed with myself. I was immature. I also know that I would probably say the same thing 10 years from now, may be even on my death bed but that is not the point.

I am disappointed with the mass immaturity that plagues this world. When I write this, I probably do understand that my opinions could be biased considering all that I’ve just heard.

I see filth again.

I am not taking a decision in anger. With effect from now, I have one friend less.

Beer+Vodka+someone's left over daaru+i guess.. ash+adulterated champagne+more beer+lotsa random liquids+i somehow reached home..

"Never again", were the first two words that came to my head after I got up today morning... correction…tried getting up.. after a 15 hour sleep, tried walking to the bathroom.. tried banging my head.. err... no... banged my head against a wall.. fell to the floor.. and slept off..

"Never again" were the two words that came to my head before I lost consciousness again....

A very short story

I am trying to write a short story but I don’t know how to go about it. I need a start. I try hard to think of all my experiences and filter one that will give me my first few lines. I rummage through my head but all I can see is a banner which says “all my experiences” – white characters on a black background.

I try harder. I look at the ceiling and then wonder why I did that. Was I seeking God’s help or did I do it because my neck hurts? I don’t believe in god so it must be because my neck hurts. I look up again, this time consciously and I realize my neck does hurt a little.

I realize I am too distracted to write a short story. I decide to get myself some coffee as it helps me concentrate. I come back and start reading Foucault – Politics, philosophy and culture – with utmost concentration. Hmm… nice coffee…

Grey

I have become fat with the filth I've accumulated over the years. Filth that is now mixing with the good in me. As it takes over me, I just sit and wait for the inevitable - one more corrupt person the world will have to deal with.

It is difficult to be disconnected from this filth. You can fight it but it slowly seeps in through those pores. Either be strong and resist it, take the brunt of being good or take the easy way out - become filth.

Do i see good today? Yes, muffled good. Chaotic good. Good that is fighting for space. Will it succeed? Will there be absolute good? Absolute filth?

Can anyone be black or white or will we all be grey?

Winning - what is it?

I've slowly started to believe that life is about trade-offs. One can't just have it all. You work hard towards getting something and miss out on a lot in the process.

If this is true, isn't anything that we do futile. What is the point of fighting for something when after winning, you've actually lost on all the other counts. You just can't have everything and the sooner you realize it, the more content you would be.

Over the last two months, I have opened up. I am not ashamed to face my thoughts. However, somehow while consciously trying to do that, I feel the voice from within that has always guided me has become more subdued. I was running too fast and I missed out on a few things. I missed out on me.

I need to slow down, be more patient towards people who care about Shiva and not hush their opinions. I should rely less on logic because the world around is too complicated to be understood with logic. I need my instinct.. I need that voice... I need to live... and "live" is not what I see around me... Live is what I feel is right...not what I think is right...

A minute between love and hate

And there I go again... "She called. She wants to meet me!", I thought to myself. She is one of those few girls who understands me, doesn't think I'm rude. On second thoughts, the only girl. Though my thought process is still incomplete, I throw my laptop in the bag, roll up my sleeves and get the auto rickshaw which I believe is newest. I want to reach that pub as soon as possible. Who wants to waste time thinking.

The evening was great. Lots of beer, fun. A few beers down I asked her, "This is the sixth beer you are having, how is it that you are not drunk yet?" After some thought, she said, "Because I don't trust you."

I hate her.

Loner to a compulsive socialite

How did this happen? I could stay with me.. live in my dreams.. sit for hours sipping coffee.. reading a book.. playing the violin.. watching tv... ehh hold on... i don't have a TV..

I have found my solution..

Silicon implants

Yes i got them done... I didn't have it and I badly wanted one.. to live...


I had lost my emotions... and I filled the void with silicon...

Complacent me

I can just be extremes.... extremely chilled out OR extremely not... Practise violin for hours in a day OR not touch it for years.. not sleep for weeks and then when I do, not wake up, even when my room is on fire.. ehh.. rather, the bed i'm sleeping on is on fire...

Recently, I tried to change... I tried to be extremely chilled out and extremely serious... It didn't work... "Chilled out" spilled over into work.. and work into chilled out..

Time to turn into a workaholic.. again... but do I really want that? However, I do know one thing for sure.. I hate doing bad work...

Mmeeeeoooowww

People often said "woot woot". For quite some time, I thought thats how dogs bark around the world. I thought these people are merely reliving their childhood. Whats wrong with that? In india we usually say... "woof woof".

So whenever someone said "woot woot", I said meeooowww and this person smiled at me and I left the scene scratching my head, unable to comprehend the strange ways in which international communication happened.

Fortunately, I discovered urbandictionary.com.... I now know "woot woot" means "an expression of absolute happiness, totally euphorism". I feel enlightened.

1... is a bad sample size

*Empty post - to remind me to write something here after a few years... It is an important incident that changed me and deserves documentation.

Silver thoughts

I was having this conversation with mom yesterday and as always it ended on a bitter note. The point of contention here was the process of arranged marriages.

It all started when she said, "I am worried about how to proceed with your sister's marriage. There is so much to do. Buy silver utensils.. and.." The last 3 words pricked me and I was lost in my thoughts. I pondered over the three words 'buy silver utensils' for a while and shot back at her, "Why do we need to buy silver utensils? What will sis do with it after her marriage?"

My mother looked surprised by that question and said nonchalantly, "Shiva, these are customs which should be followed". "Should be? Why?". Clearly, irritated by my questions she said calmly like a seasoned communications professional, "Shiva, you need to look at the world. Understand society. You need to move outside the four walls you've built within you and understand that society expects you to do these things."

I spent the next few hours thinking about what she said. I didn't see the correlation between my failure to understand the concept of buying silverware and my inward looking self.

For one, I don't believe in doing anything just because there are rules written by the society. I am not a rebel against norms. I just question these norms. I would rather redirect my resources to buying her non-stick cookware than invest money on silverware. (As i write this, I picture a "Shaadi ka mandap", a marraige hall stacked up with non-stick cookware.. and I burst out laughing... I then look around just to make sure that no one is looking at me...)

The conversation though had one good ramification. Thanks to it, I spent some time on researching if Silver was a good investment option. It is not. Sigh… it is a materialistic world we live in. :)